Give it to me straight: Zero Dark Thirty

Zero Dark Thirty. Hmmm... I really don't think I can explain my reaction to this film without referencing a couple of others, and giving away plot details as I do it. Sorry.

Get it? She's casting a shadow over America with her determination. Subtle. 

THIS POST WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR ZERO DARK THIRTY, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE AND ARGO

One of the most disturbing experiences I ever had in a cinema was when I went to see Slumdog Millionaire with my mother. During the scene where SPOILERS the children are about to be blinded  by Maman, a gangster, and then Salim puts a gun to Maman's head. My mother, life long liberal, staunch believer in the sanctity of life and enemy of violence, said, out loud, 'kill him'.
I mention this because Slumdog Millionaire also contained graphic violence and morally dubious acts. But there was a difference between Slumdog and Zero Dark Thirty; Slumdog was inherently cinematic.
SPOILERS Salim does pull the trigger on Maman, and even my mother felt the rush of victory in that moment. Because Slumdog wasn't just presenting facts, it was telling a story- it had villains, and arcs and a resolution. Zero Dark Thirty is more like watching a game of battleships, with the characters striking at random places until they happen to land a hit. There is no 'kill him' moment- we don't ever feel the goosepimples that come with a villain slain. The characters are not the point of Zero Dark Thirty: we learn very little of Maya, and so we should. It's made evident her colleagues of eight years don't even know her- what hope do we have with only 150 minutes? And so, what we're left with to compel us is the narrative, which is compelling...to a point.

I understand the angle that was taken with this film: they were giving us as close to a real story as they could manage (and, by God, this is a better approach than 'The Impossible'). But let's compare this film with Argo, another awards-courting movie about a special military operation, lead by a mistrusted military outcast- Argo took liberties with the source material: SPOILERS it added in a chase sequence at the end which was kinda nuts but oh so thrilling. Of course it wasn't real, I knew it wasn't real, but it was so thrilling. I cared what happened to the characters. I wanted them to be OK, and now there was a high-speed pursuit down a runway that was threatening their future well-being.
Awesome.
In Argo, we also get to learn a little about the home-life of our main character- he's not just a soldier, he's a person. We don't want him to die in the film's denouement. In Zero Dark Thirty, SPOILERS Maya, the character we've followed most throughout the film, and thus should care about most, is not even involved in the film's ostensible climax. She can't be. She's a high-ranking intelligence officer and it's a military operation- why on earth would she be invited along? Naturally, she wouldn't, wasn't and isn't. There's a few cuts to her looking apprehensive, but that's it. She is in not within harm's reach.
(And, let's discuss the climax itself; about ten dudes, heavily armed and with military training, against a house full of women, children and three men who may or may not have army training. Not all that thrilling, I'll be honest.)
See, this is where Zero Dark Thirty falls apart: its selling point- that dusty, crackly realism all the ads were selling us- is also its major flaw. The story of finding Osama Bin Laden was a lot of people talking in rooms, typing on computers, with the occasional explosion thrown in. Explosions are cinematic- none of that other stuff is. And having an anti-climax where your main character isn't even in danger of chipping a nail is just the tasteless cherry on a bland cake.
The mystery itself could be engaging if a) we didn't already know the outcome and b) it was presented as a mystery, with all the possible options laid out and various clues and red herrings fed to us. But that's not how it works- it's an actual police investigation, where one interview leads to another, and another and another, and another (type on computer, explosion) and another and then, voila, we have the answer.

It's not a terrible film- Jessica Chastain, though still tainted in my eyes from being associated with The Tree of Life, does an adequate job as the lead character; though I'm still not sure there was much of a job to do- I mean, she was rather deadpan. I guess she was meant to be.
The supporting cast are all competent as well-  sadly, they don't really have anyone play Bin Laden, which is a shame, because it would have been interesting to see someone portray him, just like that scene with Hitler that everyone keeps fiddling with on the internet.
I should praise the film for its gender politics- very few references are made to Maya's gender. She's a character, not a woman.
The script was no great shakes, but yet again, I don't think it was meant to be; this is not The Avengers. It's not meant to be fun.

And, I think that right there is the problem; Argo and Slumdog were aiming for darkness, yes, but also entertainment- they aimed to satisfy your basic cinematic needs for suspense, payoff and a wee bit o' humor. Zero Dark Thirty presents the plain, hard facts and does so in the plain, hardest way possible. Admirable, perhaps, but not particularly appealing.